| hello lovelies, |
[12 Mar 2008|09:43pm] |
where have you all been? where have i been?
gather yourselves up, because if you still want to read, i still have something new for you.
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) heart_of_art.
thats why i haven't been around. i wanted to start fresh. with all of you.
so come on over!
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| upload a userpic |
[22 Oct 2007|10:30pm] |
upload your life.
as soon as i'm done sifting through journal entries this thing is getting trashed... for real.
but never fear i have something fresh and new for you:
heart_of_art
check it out. if youre on the friends list then you're good to go!
if not... ask to be on it.
i reserve the right to tell you to fuck off.
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[19 Oct 2007|12:22am] |
this fucking thing gets me nothing but into sad trouble. everything i write hurts someones, mostly my friend's feelings without meaning to, and thus just destroys friendships and makes me feel guilty, etc, etc.
so i think after a couple weeks of going through and saving some of the better entries, maybe the ones where i think i decently wrote something, i'm going to delete this journal.
if someone still reads this and still wants to be in contact with me? i do have a myspace, you creepers.
thanks for reading.. its been fun.
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[14 Oct 2007|01:46pm] |
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I'm getting really protective of all my things-- I mean I've always been protective, even at home. I would get livid when my sister would use my things without asking or would be in my room without me there, or when she'd let her friends borrow my books or when she borrowed my books. I guess I'm just sort of really selfish, or materialistic. I'm getting more lack with it since I'm not at home, I can't prevent people from rummaging through my shit when I'm not there half the time. But I guess it's just here at college I'm freaking out when people use my stuff. Mostly just when people eat the food my mom still buys me, at least she hasn't made me start buying my own stuff yet, or when my roommate uses my dishes or eats my cheese... use your own dishes, buy your own cheese. I know she and I were friends in highschool, since like 10th grade and now we're college roommates but it's not working out so great for me. I know I complain about it alot but I'm finally doing something about it, more like I'm just putting my dishes away except for one of each thing so I can use them and she can't. She has her own stuff she can use, I know this. She's just too lazy to wash it when she's done with it.
I like to think I give people their space and that I'm considerate of them and I respect them and all that yummy stuff, etc etc and I continue to be that way (I hope) even when the other people just blows up in my face. It's my nature, I like to be nice and it's good to relish the fact that they'll feel guilty afterwards, when they were an asshole and you kept your cool. Karma's pretty neat.
I've thoroughly enjoyed being alone this weekend... what's to prevent me from finding an apartment [maybe not here, but close by] and living there next year? I'd be so much more happier.
And I know in my mind that if I made good friends [not acquaintances] then I'd be out more and not inside, and I'd like college better and everything it stands for. But as it stands right now, I do not like college, I don't think it's this huge huge deal. A lot of people just try to take advantage of it, since they're out of the house. But it's whatever.
The fact is that I haven't made good friends that I hang out or see every day. And it's comforting because I've figured out that I really don't need to. All the friends that I need I have, they're just not at school with me. They're in Fredericksburg, or DC, or still in Woodbridge. Or they're my family.
I've still got them, they're mine and they always will be, I just don't see them everyday.
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| assert your independence |
[11 Oct 2007|04:15pm] |
This morning started out with my History class alarm going off at 730 when it didn't need to; I had forgotten to turn it off the night before. It woke Lane up too who was confused beyond belief because she went to bed at 3AM and I had to pee anyway so I said I forgot to turn off my alarm and peed and fell back asleep until 930. I had wanted to go to Shafer to have some of their mm mm good breakfast but I got so lazy that I sat on the computer and fought with my boyfriend instead, about how I wanted to dye my hair but if I dyed mine he was going to cut his, there was a general saying of words and I got that heavy feeling in my chest and arms that I always get when I fight with him. I took a shower upset, went to class upset [and thus took little to no notes], and complained to Mary that I was upset. She said I needed to assert my independence so I guess that's what I'm going to do. I try not to be selfish or mean or anything, I try to be my best and sometimes even that fails. I guess we all fail. My living situation could not be any shittier, maybe it could. I've figured out that it's not that I don't like living here, it's just that I don't like living with my roommate. I don't like not having friends. I don't like getting made fun of because I chill in my dorm room most of the day. It all gets rather bland and boring and repetitive. If you want to pick on how I don't have barely any friends, just do it.
An immunity develops. You just deal.
I guess I'm just tired of a lot of things, like I've been saying about homesickness: this place is weird and different and I still don't like it. The comforts of home are missing, and that's what I need the most.
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| immunity |
[11 Oct 2007|02:23pm] |
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Immune... you just become so immune.
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| i believe i've mentioned this before, |
[10 Oct 2007|10:39am] |
but i really think livejournal should be called lovejournal... disregard the fact that it makes it sound like a place for strange lovesick folk to gather, just pay attention to the word love and how actually it was a typo to cause me to type lovejournal.com instead of livejournal.com in my browsers address box.
so i've decided a couple things, actually more like a few thousand things but i'll condense them so as to not hurt your little eyes:
A) first and most relevant, i've decided to just make this journal open. i started locking the entries because of a few things but who cares, so those of you who read this regularly or often enough and who know me and blah blah etc etc know that this is my journal, i'm allowed to write whatever i want, whenever i want, however i want, except of course for my social security number. and address and phone and pin and you know you get the drift? so i apologize now if i ever say anything offensive or rude or weird. everyone gets angry. you can talk to me about it but you aren't going to change the way i say things. plus, its too hard to go through and lock all the entries. so booya.
B) I LIKE TO WRITE. this is obvious and most of you know this but i think thats a better calling for me than anything i've tried here so far at VCU. when i really think about it, the odds are against me (in my mind) when it comes to that crappy-weird art foundation program. yes, crappy-weird... i've heard stories. i lovee taking pictures and being creative and whatnot, but if i'm honest with myself i've lost a bit of my knack for picture taking, but i have not lost my knack for writing. the only annoying thing about my writing is that much of it can be stream of conscious writing and i write however i want, in the structure i want. five paragraph essays can suck it, but i digress... so i'm thinking about skipping on finding out whether i got into AFO or not (i forgot to mention that the art foundation program rules the fuck out of your life the first semester you take it, i guess thats why VCU is such a slamming art school but who wants that, honestly?) and just going to my advisor next month and telling him i'd much rather do something in creative writing or journalism, so could i just switch my major now? i could finish out the courses for this semester and start in the spring on my new major's courses, because to be frank, i fucking hate art history and i'm not sure what drugs i was on when i decided to major in it.
C) i am homesick. this is true. it is a constant thing i struggle with, not like its a major disease that sometimes overtakes me in the night. which it does. i just miss home and all its comforts. i miss my sister and my parents, my pets and especially the homecooked meals. i really miss spaghetti. here i eat a lot of soup or i go to Shafer, the local chow hall, and eat french fries and a cheese sandwich or some cereal. i mean its not that bad because i like cheese sandwiches, its just that i miss having a variety of food to eat. like rice. and corn. and spaghetti. sometimes the homesickness gets so bad that i write extremely long myspace messages to my boyfriend and best friend telling them each detail that i miss about home, and then i cry myself to sleep. or i don't sleep at all. lately its been getting harder and harder to fall asleep, even if i go to bed early. it just gets to the point where i call brandon and tell him to stay on the phone with me until i fall asleep, which makes perfect sense to me but not to most other people.
D) i am learning to live with it. the homesickness comes in phases, just like my heartbreak with we all know who did. it comes it waves and when it does its bad. otherwise its a small ache in the back of my heart. i know i always say i dont want to come back to school when i'm at home and thats true, but i also really like living here. i have freedom here that i didn't have at home. i've finally gotten used to not having to ask my parents permission with everything, i'm free to leave whenever i want and come back whenever i want. its quite nice but at the same time i don't have many people i hang out with, ergo i stay in my dorm room and sit on the computer or sleep or read most of the time. it gets quite drab and lonely up here all by myself, even if i do enjoy my alone time. the point of this is i'm slowly getting happier here and making friends, even if they're just in my classes. it's getting easier to be happy.
E) i miss mary a helluva lot, and she and i are in the middle of compiling some of our funniest and more memoriable moments together. we're at around 30 right now, i suggested we go to 100 and write a book about it. we could make lots of money, you think? if you knew us and what we were like together in school, you'll agree. we're two of a kind, and theres only one person i can sing the darth vader theme with in the form of the word 'blah', so there you go.
i think thats all for now. i'm starving but there really isn't any breakfast food, yesterday i had veggie soups for breakfast. i think i'm sort of feeling chicken noodle & soda now... what what
it's almost lunch time. lets call it lunch.
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[03 Jan 2007|09:19pm] |
2006-2007 SURVEY carin you're cutttteeee!
1) DRINKING BUDDY OF THE YEAR
n/a i don't drink!
2) LIFETIME SERVICE AWARD (longest friend) -
maryyyy lemasterrrrr
3) NEWCOMER AWARD - NEWEST FRIEND?
newest friend? omgah .. crystal's the newest one that i've actually kept talking to and hunt oot with =] i guess i don't make good friends often?
3) HIGH POINT OF THE YEAR?
mm mm stuff.
4) LOW POINT OF THE YEAR?
i hurt some people, pretty bad without meaning to =/
5) BEST HOLIDAY?
eastahh!
6) SONG FOR 2006
for me its moment in the sun by clem snidee
7) ANY REGRETS?
naww
10) WHO DID YOU SPEND VALENTINES WITH?
no one? yeesh i can't even remember what i did that day.
11) BEST RELATIONSHIP
i didn't really have bf relationships. they were more like 'we are a good thing right nowww but we're not dating.'
12) WORST RELATIONSHIP?
poopzz
13) FIRST KISS OF THE YEAR?
first kiss of the 2006 year? maybe david... i could be wrong.
14) LAST KISS OF THE YEAR?
ryann ... or lanes mom ;* haha
15) BEST DECISION MADE THIS YEAR?
best decision ... sounds really dumb, but i called my parents [who were in north carolina] the morning after i had a boy over at my house almost the whole night and his parents found him over and i just told them 'yeah. he was here, i'm really sorry, it was a stupid mistake' and they still let me go to florida with mary for two weeks.
16) WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS FOR 2007?
be good to myself and good to my lovers; oh and everything i've already been doing- being bluntly honest, get into college, blah blah... be more outgoing!
17) MOST STUPID IDEA WHEN DRUNK?
never been drunk yo
18) BITCH OF THE YEAR?
not really bitch, kristi was just sort of rude when i asked her if we could be friends. who does that? we don't really talk.
19) MOST LOYAL FRIEND?
mary mary!
20) BIGGEST CHANGE OF THE YEAR?
i've been busted wide open. catch ma drift?
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[02 Jan 2007|04:59pm] |
deep breaths..thats key. you've got to keep taking deep breaths.
i'm writing an "autobiography" of sorts of everything thats happened.
i don't know if thats helping me or hurting me,
i can't tell if i'm helping or hurting myself.
but deep breaths, thats the key, that has always been the key.
this year will not start off like this.
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[01 Jan 2007|12:15pm] |
its 2007.
sweet ass.
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[29 Dec 2006|12:54pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 blah |
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bop biddy bee bop..
I'd write more if it weren't so hard to freaking type!!#?@$^@ But alas.. um its difficult to type, because I'm always back spacing and my poor middle finger has to make up for what the pointer finger isn't really able to do right now... which is type important keys like h, and n. And sometimes u.
I got a guitar for Christmas.. too bad I don't know anything about guitars. IF YOU CARE, which most people I've told have, its an acoustic guitar made by SX. Don't ask me who that is, I don't knowwwwww. I got a DVD with it.. to teach me how to play, but I haven't even opened it. I haven't opened any DVDs I got this past Christmas. Whats the matter with meeeeeeeedsgldsjg.
If my hair didn't suck so much I'd post pictures of it, and if I didn't suck so much I'd actually post pictures... but somethings been wrong with me since like, April. I haven't been able to take any good pictures. Not even kidding.. I went retarded or something. Even the big ones I take in Florida every year were sorta crappyyyyyy. I guess I'm just slacking. WHERE IS MY EYE FOR ART? Gone, gone gone..
I haven't even been on the computer as much lately. Lately as in... this past week. Maybe I should be more specific.. I haven't been on Myspace or AIM as much.. go me? I think I might be dying or something, I'm not sure. Or.. maybe I'm just getting over it.
OOPPPSSS over it!
DONE!
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[27 Dec 2006|10:09pm] |
um corinne, lets tell everyone what youve been up to.
i smashed my finger in a car door, it is therefore very hard to type.
=(
i came here with the intention of just writing. alot.
and its too hard to write.. i cant feel the key when i press it with my smashed finger.
boo.
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[25 Dec 2006|08:58am] |
never pass up the chance to tell someone you love them.
because it will NEVER, EVER be enough.
merry christmas :]
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| yeeee |
[24 Dec 2006|05:51pm] |
so definitely just watched like fourteen little christmas movies.. half of which were 30 minutes long.
today has moved sort of fast, i guess that happens when you're vegging on the couch all day.
i also baked brownies, and soon dinner will be ready. after that, i'll probably get dressed, we'll all go look at lights and then spend a couple hours at my dad's friends house celebrating good old CHRISTMASEVE!#@^$# oh shit son i can't even wait, i'm already hungry just thinking about it. XD
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[23 Dec 2006|08:42pm] |
when i sit at this computer, i self destruct, little by little. bombs go off inside, one after the other, and i am unable to comprehend here what i just understood a minute ago.
what i want the most is slipping ever so slightly away from me, its just inside my reach but soon, i will have to let it go.
i'm determined to bring happiness into the new year, i can't live like this anymore.
old habits die hard.
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[20 Dec 2006|04:59pm] |
i don't want to waste your time.
stupid fucking.. bullshit.
i don't want to do it your way..
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[20 Dec 2006|02:42pm] |
on the board of life, i am bored with life..
hearing him sing makes my heart hurt.
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[18 Dec 2006|04:32pm] |
don't even hate.
that's never happened before.
saweet.
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